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Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars.
Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage.
Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.

Q. Why do the French like to eat snails so much?
A. They can’t stand fast food.
Husband: “Oh the weather is lovely today. Shall we go out for a quick jog?“
Wife: “Hahaha, I love the way you pronounce ‘Shall we go out and have a cake’!”
A guest calls the waiter and complains, “How come there are no chairs at our table?!”
The waiter shrugs, “I’m sorry but you only booked one table…”
Optimist: The glass is half full.

Pessimist: The glass is half empty.

Mother: Why didn’t you use a coaster!
I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. The fly didn’t stand a chance. 
I’ve been really depressed lately. A friend told me I should go to the petting zoo perhaps, to cheer up.
I went today, but not one person would stroke me.
I forgot my cell phone when I went to the toilet yesterday. We have 245 tiles.
How many gorillas can fit into a car?


How many chickens can fit into the car?

None, the car is already full of gorillas.
She: I have a doctor’s appointment today but I really don’t want to go…
He: Just call in sick then.
A girl asks a boy: "Peter, how much do you love me?"

The boy looks her in the eyes, "Look up at the stars, that's how much I love you."

The girl is confused, “But it’s morning, there are no stars?”

Boy nods, "Exactly!"


  • ferris1248ferris1248 Posts: 14,473 Moderator
    If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours.
    Followed by a global food shortage.

    "That which is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow. That is the whole of the law. The rest is commentary."

    Rabbi Hillel (c20 BCE)

  • illinoisfishermanillinoisfisherman Posts: 5,347 Admiral

    Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.”

    The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”

    Man: “And that will take away my sin?”

    Priest: “No, but it will take away that dirty grin from your face.”

    Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”
    Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”
    Doctor: “Every two hours.”

     “My wife suffers from a drinking problem.”
    “Oh is she an alcoholic?”
    “No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.”

    I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855 to cover the loss.
    I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.

    Coco Chanel once said that you should put perfume on places where you want to be kissed by a man. But hell does that burn!

    Oh darling, since you’ve started dieting, you’ve become such a passionate kisser…

    What do you mean, passionate? I’m looking for food remains!
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