Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars.
Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage.
Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.
A. They can’t stand fast food.
Husband: “Oh the weather is lovely today. Shall we go out for a quick jog?“
Wife: “Hahaha, I love the way you pronounce ‘Shall we go out and have a cake’!”
A guest calls the waiter and complains, “How come there are no chairs at our table?!”
The waiter shrugs, “I’m sorry but you only booked one table…”
Optimist: The glass is half full.
Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
Mother: Why didn’t you use a coaster!
I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. The fly didn’t stand a chance.
I’ve been really depressed lately. A friend told me I should go to the petting zoo perhaps, to cheer up.
I went today, but not one person would stroke me.
I forgot my cell phone when I went to the toilet yesterday. We have 245 tiles.
How many gorillas can fit into a car?
How many chickens can fit into the car?
None, the car is already full of gorillas.
She: I have a doctor’s appointment today but I really don’t want to go…
He: Just call in sick then.
A girl asks a boy: "Peter, how much do you love me?"
The boy looks her in the eyes, "Look up at the stars, that's how much I love you."
The girl is confused, “But it’s morning, there are no stars?”
Boy nods, "Exactly!"