A woman went into her kitchen to find a burglar loaded down with a
bunch of stuff he was stealing from her kitchen. Not having any kind of
weapon to scare him off, she raised her hand and said "Acts 2:38," and
proceeded to quote scripture.

The burglar froze in place and didn't move. The woman called 911, the
police arrived and were amazed to find the burglar still frozen where he
stood. "What did you say to him that kept him from moving?" they asked
the woman. She told them that she had simply said Acts 2:38 and quoted
scripture.

The police chuckled and escorted the burglar out to the patrol car.
"Why did the woman's quoting scripture scare you so much?" they asked.

"Scripture?" said the burglar, "I thought she said she had an ax and
two 38's!"

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"There is a new trend in U.K. corporate policy where employees are being given paid time off so that they can acclimate a new pet to their home. They're calling it 'pawternity' leave.

Paid time off for pets should not be a thing.

Here is how that discussion should go: 'Excuse me, boss, I want to get a new dog, but I need a week off to bond with the animal.' And your boss goes, 'Oh, OK, cool. You're fired.'" -James Corden