Please Note: I tamed this down for Fla Sportsman, the moderators may even "tame" it down as there are younger readers. All in fun.

A Hammer Meets a Hoo

We'd been planning a November wahoo trip for over a month; there'd been scattered good reports and with the upcoming moon, I thought that we would slay them. My buddy Steve was going the day before us with his son and another father and son team so we would have great up to the date knowledge of the blue brindled speedsters location. NOAA's forecast for him was NW winds at 12 mph which would mean beautiful conditions. He was fishing a 36 Contender which has got to be the wettest boat on the planet. It's so wet that you get sprayed while it's still on the trailer! Steve was excited because the guy that owns the boat really knows his wahoo fishing.

They met him down in the Keys before daylight. High tide was at 6:00am and this would let him fish the outgoing tide which is what you want. The forecast was uh… just a little off. Instead of the 12 mph, it was blowing 21 mph. Maybe Mr. NOAA was dyslexic? They made the call to at least try and go and give it a shot. One hour later one of the boys started getting seasick and the decision to abort the trip was made. He was literally shaking like he was going into convulsions. I'm not going to call Bobby's son a wuss because anyone can get seasick (well at least anyone that's a ****). They turned the boat around with their tails between their legs but the proper call was made by the captain.

On the way back, they saw a couple of frigate birds diving. There's no better way to beat seasickness than to have the ill person get some adrenalin running through his veins. Ryan, the mate tossed out a ballyhoo and in no time a giant dolphin inhaled it. Now up to this point in his life, when Steve hooked a dolphin, he just fought it from a dead boat, WELL, these guys are tournament dolphin guys and their motto is RUN EM DOWN AND KILL EM! They had Chris in the front of the boat reeling for his dear life. In short order the confused dolphin had a gaff sticking out of his back. They caught a couple of schoolies and continued in. The fish ended up weighing 47 lbs. Not bad for an aborted trip.

But enough about their trip, they left us with no useful information other than the water was rough. I had just flown in from judging a "Best Buns" contest. It's a tough job but somebody's got to do it. Being a celebrity judge does have it's benefits… free food.

We arrived at the boat ramp, 31 Contender in tow. Still was there along with his buddy Will. While Still is on his way to being a real estate mogul, his buddy is already there as he inherited a family business that makes skin tightening cream for old hags trying to look young again. Evidently his chemical engineering degree has actually benefited the company as this new "miracle cream" really seems to take the wrinkles out of women. Will, being the witty guy that he is even came up with a jingle for his new cream, "Smear our cream and your *** will be clean". He even has before and after pics on his website. I noticed that he does have a disclaimer that reads "Results May Vary".

Before After

Will also confided in me that he was working on a cream that enhances a man's **** size, instead of tightening the skin, it causes it to swell. He offered to send me a sample but I think my wife wouldn't appreciate that, so I passed on the offer.

Will has his own stylist on retainer.

Anyways, along with us came Brett age 20, he's an aspiring captain that would be our mate for the day. He had an amazing resemblance to "Butt Head" from Beavis and Butt Head.

I didn't tell him because I didn't want to hurt his ego, at least not until I got to know the little boat washer. He has aspirations in life of being a famous wealthy fishing captain that travels the world and catches great fish with a hot babe in every port of call. I'm sure he can do all of those things, with the one exception of being a rich fishing captain. And, when you're not rich, you cannot do any of those other things. He'll be doomed to a life of sunburn and broken leaders just like the rest of us.

Our captain was none other than Jon Cooper aka Froggy, spearfisherman extraordinaire. He's been the first mate on the Get Lit for years and when not grabbing sailfish, he runs charters on his own boat, the Dive Version. It's a brand new Contender with lots of bells and whistles. He was the one that taught me how to free dive back in the days when I wore a 28" waist. Sadly, those days are long gone for this fishing Teletubby. We've fished and/or dived together hundreds of times but this would be the first time on his shiny new stepped hull Contender. He's proud as a peacock of his new boat. He and Joe, the president of Contender have become little buddies so I guess he gets the boat at a pretty good price. Being a single man, he has time to work out and actually enjoy his life. He and Still knew each other as Still charted him 3 years ago for a Bahama spearfishing trip, Still shot a shark that was getting aggressive and that same shark went over and bit Froggy on the leg to show his appreciation of Still's act of kindness. Froggy had to be flown out and get emergency surgery or he would've lost his leg. I guess that's what friends do for friends. The story went all the way to CNN.

Frog's Girlfriend at the time was so worried that when she heard about the attack, she chartered a private helicopter to go get him. Luckily she didn't forget her passport!

We took off into the darkness, aimed at the west. Unlike the previous day, the seas had laid down beautiful. Armed with two electric reels and two bent butt outfits that could winch in Moby ****. Our goal was to kill every wahoo that would be stupid enough to challenge us. Along with our boat was my buddy Audie and Mike on their boat. Between the two boats, something was sure to die. It was cool out that morning and since I wasn't the captain, I did what any smart looking stud that hates cold weather would do….. I curled up behind the rocket launcher and buried my body in a bean bag praying not to run over a submerged tree.

An hour and a half later the Yamaha's came to an idle, we stowed away the bean bags and started getting the rigs in the water, within minutes we were screaming around at 16 kts zig zagging along the drop off. The tide had just started going out and we just knew that the fish were going to be chomping. In short order we got a hit, the rod bounced and the drag screamed but not for long. Still had the job of winching in anything that hit a rod that didn't have an electric reel attached to it. I must say, he did a fine job of reeling in a 12 lb barracuda. Butt Head also did a great job of tossing the stinky creature back into the ocean. Minutes later another hit, this one turned out to be our target, the only problem was that instead of a wahoo, it was a wee hoo. Either way, it was introduced to the fish box.

Basically, wahoo fishing is the ultimate way to burn lots of fuel without going fast. You're not up and running so the boat is literally plowing through the water. It's kind of like driving your car in low gear on the highway. Periodically flying fish would scatter.

We trolled and trolled and we caught fish but the fishing was far from spectacular. Every time we'd catch a fish I'd break out the Go Pro camera and try and get some under water footage. Still's right arm was sore because we never put the boat in neutral when he was fighting a fish. There was one point when he almost cried uncle.

Meanwhile, the other boat was making it clear that they were having a banner day. They'd call us and say "Gotta Triple", "Gotta Quad", "Gotta Double". It was ridiculous, they could do no wrong, whereas we would feel lucky getting a single fish. Usually I am the one on the radio making other guys feel bad but this time the tide had turned, we were being smoked like a cheap cuban cigar.

At 2 pm we decided to call it quits, the other boat motored up to us (probably to rub it in). I asked them if they spoke french, they all said "no" so I gave them a quick lesson starting out with "Fa Q". They all laughed because most of them were tournament fishermen that have been on the other side of the coin. I asked them to hold up some of their fish which they did. I snapped a few pics for them.

We ended up with 9 wahoo's whereas Audie and Mike caught 12 (their limit) and they even released 7 more!. They literally doubled us!

I graciously invited them down to the Tortuga's where it would be my turn to spank them like Dennis the Menace.

Till Next Time,



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