The true meaning of Christmas

Spineyman

Merry Christmas to all!!!                                                                                                                                                

ferris1248

Christmas with Louise

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest 

To find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first place.

Christmas with Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his

Fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

 What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true 

 because Every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were

overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

 One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on 

sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell 

those things at Walmart.  I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been  

in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 

"What does this do?" "You're  kidding me!" and "Who would buy that?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy 

 a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a 

passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.  Finding what I 

wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many 

 different models.

The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do 

 things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable   Louise." 

She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise 

 came to life.  My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in 

during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone,  I filled the 

dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and 

drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby  tray. I went home, and giggled for a 

couple of hours.

 The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to  his house and left a 

present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, 

start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the  rest of the family could 

admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

 My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.  "What the hell is that?" she asked. 

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind,

 but kept my mouth shut.

 "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to  steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" 

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas  and no one wanted to ride 

in the back of the ambulance saying,  "Hang on, Granny!  Hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's 

the naked gal by the fireplace?"

 I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed 

Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but

actually flirting.  It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had  died, who was dying, and who 

should be killed, when suddenly  Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the

 bathroom in the  morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the  room twice, and 

fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, 

fell to his knees, and began

administering  mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants 

and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room,  and sat in the car.

 

 It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my  brother's garage, we conducted 

a thorough examination to decide  the cause of Louise's collapse.  We discovered that Louise had 

 suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a  wonder drug called 

duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies.  I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he 

can get out of the house.

ferris1248

Happy New year Panhandle

Spineyman

Happy New Year to you as well!