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Child wants too move out ;)!

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  • conchydongconchydong Posts: 13,453 AG
    I remember when a kid turned 18 they were expected to move out. Having said that, times have changed as many kids stay at home for too long. I believe it is a good thing as kids will go through the school of hard knocks and realize what responsibility is and learn to cut back and purchase only the essentials. Nothing like real world experience to toughen them up.
    Good luck.

    “Everyone behaves badly--given the chance.”
    ― Ernest Hemingway

  • bocapup1bocapup1 Posts: 1,502 Captain
    Thank you all so much this has been very hard for me too get a grip on how I’m such a bad person for asking so little?
    big mak I totally agree with you on my situation so thanks :)!


  • Mackeral SnatcherMackeral Snatcher Posts: 13,231 AG
    I'm way to much of a hard **** to be of any help here.
    BUT both my boys turned out fine.
    THERE SHOULD BE NO COMMERCIAL FISHING ALLOWED FOR ANY SPECIES THAT IS CONSIDERED OVERFISHED.
  • anglerplusanglerplus Posts: 1,285 Officer
    edited May 2020 #35
    All little birds need kicked out of the nest eventually 
  • Big MakBig Mak Posts: 5,691 Admiral
    I remember sitting down with my oldest when she was in about 9 grade to show her how much it honestly cost to live modestly in South Florida. I broke it all down to the most basic level and then showed her where all the money went. It didn't take long, but when we finished she almost broke down in tears thinking there was no end in sight to achieve the American dream of moving out, buying a home, and living a comfortable lifestyle. It was probably one of the most important conversations I've ever had with her.

     I truly believe that (and my funding her college education) was the reason she finished school and gave me zero problems as a teen. I'm also a bit of a hard a$$ and make it pretty clear that I expect a honest effort when you're engaged in anything so she probably didn't want to disappoint me. She also knew there would be harsh repercussions the minute she failed to toe the line.

    My methods may have been considered rough, but they were always fair and apparently effective. I got real lucky. I'm grateful to her for not shaving too many years off my life early on. Hopefully the next two don't make up for it, because I don't have time on my side anymore. ;)
  • dave44dave44 Posts: 18,389 AG
    In all seriousness, the stress involved during the transition from a protected child to the expectation of mature self sufficiency is traumatic for just about everyone because they didn’t think it applied to them.
         The family dynamic is the only functioning display of socialism that semi works, until it shouldn’t.

        If you look around here and the rest of the country there are many that never got over their childish desire to have every whim fulfilled by someone else.
        I believe these people that can’t make that leap into adulthood were poorly handled during this transition period.

        
  • zimmy4209zimmy4209 Posts: 1,707 Captain
    Alot of people say hurtful things they dont necessarily mean in the heat of the moment. Even if she never tells you shes sorry I'm almost certain she already feels it. A little tough love helps sometimes but it's also kind of hard for alot of dads to do to there daughters. Just let her know you'll always be there for her regardless except financially at the moment and let her go stub her toe in real life. I also 2nd someone's post from earlier though the whole "I told you so" speech should be thought but never spoken down the road 
  • AC ManAC Man Posts: 7,246 Admiral
    I skipped ahead and did not read any of the previous replies because I've been down this road before. No I'm a guy not a girl they may have a different view of things.
    I got a long fantastic with my parents so the last thing I wanted to do is move out. I knew if I moved out and got an apartment I would never save enough money to afford a house or live on my own. I'm sure girls don't think that way.

    My dad told me at 18 I could live at home as long as I wanted for free as long as I put 50% of my paycheck in a savings account. I got married at 24 have had a 50% deposit on a house. With such a low mortgage I saved another 50% and adding an addition and so the house for a double bought another house and sold it for another 50% profit. Then move forward and paid cash for my next house at 35. None of this would have been possible if it wasn't for my dad making sure I save 50% of every paycheck.
  • pottydocpottydoc Posts: 5,473 Admiral
    bocapup1 said:
    Well my daughter asked me too help her out with new apartment and she just got a job a few days ago.
    i tried too get into discussion about budget and that’s when it went south and quick!!!
    the next thing I know she was telling me to just get out of her life and began to tell me that her mother and I have let her down??
    i have to believe at 19 she must know everything by now but what do you do in this situation to teach her a lesson without just getting her the apartment to shut her mouth?
    personally I feel that she should earn it but at her speed I will be old and grey so please help out a crappy parent with all advice.
    Thanks all
    No way I would help her unless she does a budget, and sees what it’s actually going to cost her. She also wouldn’t be living at home for free if she’s not in school. Don’t let her try to guilt trip you into helping her out, either. My wife and I have four kids between us. Two of the four thought they should be able to live with us as long as they wanted, and that we should finance their apartment, and all other expenses that go with it. It took letting the fail a few times fo them to understand that nothing is free, and that living away from home costs a lot more than they thought. Both are fine now, one joined the Marine Corp, got out after 6 years, is married, and one year away from a BS in business/marketing. He will be debt free when he graduates thanks to the GI  bill. the other is back living with us (23) while working full time in a fabrication shop, and going to welding school part time. Letting him stay here is the way we help him financially while he’s in school. 
  • Jack HexterJack Hexter Posts: 5,555 Moderator
    Wait , What??   She's 19 and has a job, but want's you to pay for an apartment.  Yeah, I'd let her down!!  Tell her no,, in no uncertain terms. If she wants an apartment, pay for it herself. 
  • swampdogswampdog Posts: 4,645 Captain
    The things we do because we love them. Tough love and letting them fail is so hard to do. I agree with the budget thing. When I wanted to move out at 19, dad said sounds like a great idea! He said let’s run the numbers, and proceeded to help me figure out how a couple of my buds and I would afford the “bachelor” pad. Holy smokes I could see right away it was a crazy idea. He was a smart and wiley guy. BTW-we had a great relationship all through life.
  • jcbcpajcbcpa Posts: 2,428 Captain
    Wait , What??   She's 19 and has a job, but want's you to pay for an apartment.  Yeah, I'd let her down!!  Tell her no,, in no uncertain terms. If she wants an apartment, pay for it herself. 
    Even though she has a job, kids at 19 can't lease an apartment without someone's help normally. Or at least that's what my wife and I  experienced with my step son in Athens. 

    God sleeps in the minerals, awakens in plants, walks in animals, and thinks in man.

    Arthur Young

  • ferris1248ferris1248 Posts: 24,021 Moderator
    jcbcpa said:
    Wait , What??   She's 19 and has a job, but want's you to pay for an apartment.  Yeah, I'd let her down!!  Tell her no,, in no uncertain terms. If she wants an apartment, pay for it herself. 
    Even though she has a job, kids at 19 can't lease an apartment without someone's help normally. Or at least that's what my wife and I  experienced with my step son in Athens. 
    Jack's old school. :)

    "That which is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow. That is the whole of the law. The rest is commentary."

    Rabbi Hillel (c20 BCE)

  • pottydocpottydoc Posts: 5,473 Admiral
    I’m old school, too. That’s why I said make her come up with a budget so she can see in black and white what she can’t afford. If it turns out dad “helping” her means pay for all of it, then she would get told that wasn’t gonna happen, so she better start looking for some room mates. Preferably, ones with good paying jobs. 
  • Big BatteryBig Battery Posts: 22,627 AG
    If she was my daughter and spoke to me like that her clothes would be on the front porch before the last word came out of her mouth. I do not understand this fear of our kids that some parents have.

    i bet she has never had a job and was given everything. Time for some tough love..it’s never too late.
  • AC ManAC Man Posts: 7,246 Admiral
    I bought my first house at 23 years old and my son that was his first house at 23 years old. Neither one of us ever rented. Once you rent you are done unless you inherit or have a rich Daddy give you money.
  • AC ManAC Man Posts: 7,246 Admiral
    I remember when a kid turned 18 they were expected to move out. Having said that, times have changed as many kids stay at home for too long. I believe it is a good thing as kids will go through the school of hard knocks and realize what responsibility is and learn to cut back and purchase only the essentials. Nothing like real world experience to toughen them up.
    Good luck.
    I could not imagine moving out at 18. I was a baby. I was just starting my career just starting a relationship with my girlfriend, had tons of hobbies, Etc. Oh me and my buddies dreamed about it but it did not make sense LOL why move out when you can live at home with parents that love you and support you and you get to go out on their boat air ride motorcycles xcetera. Don't get me wrong I work for my dad and when I turned 18 He took 50% of my paycheck and put it in the bank. Trust me by the time I was 24 and ready to marry and move away I sure appreciate it it cuz I already own my own home and rented it out for a profit.
     
  • TarponatorTarponator Posts: 19,646 AG
    edited June 2020 #49
    AC Man said:
    I bought my first house at 23 years old and my son that was his first house at 23 years old. Neither one of us ever rented. Once you rent you are done unless you inherit or have a rich Daddy give you money.
    Huh?

    I rented until my 30s, paid for my house in cash, never received any inheritance, and my daddy didn't give me a penny.

    It's hardly rocket science:  Live below your means and save money.

    Taking nothing away from you or your son -- owning a home at 23 is an impressive accomplishment -- but let's not lose sight of the fact that the road to home ownership has more than one lane.
  • Gary SGary S Posts: 3,232 Captain
    I started with a trailer, real hard to look at inside. Normal problems with floors. I rebuilt it, my dad and I built new cabinets, I repaneled the inside. Painted the outside and lived cheap with my future wife. I doubled my money and moved to where I am now in 1983. Rented for a year with option to buy and rest is history.
  • Big MakBig Mak Posts: 5,691 Admiral
    edited June 2020 #51
    Bought my first house almost 30 years ago, at age 24. I was making 2-3x what I do now. A short 5 years later, it all came undone. She got the gold mine. I got the shaft. Cost me just shy of a million $ back then. Today, I'm about a million $ shy of being a millionaire, but I'm happy I don't have that nagging draft horse hanging on me like a cheap suit. Yep, that's a true story.
  • johnpowersjohnpowers Posts: 2,898 Captain
    Big Mak said:
    Bought my first house almost 30 years ago, at age 24. I was making 2-3x what I do now. A short 5 years later, it all came undone. She got the gold mine. I got the shaft. Cost me just shy of a million $ back then. Today, I'm about a million $ shy of being a millionaire, but I'm happy I don't have that nagging draft horse hanging on me like a cheap suit. Yep, that's a true story.
    “I’m eatin bologny while she’s living on alimony,,, why didn’t I just learn to cook??”
     B) 
  • Big BatteryBig Battery Posts: 22,627 AG
    AC Man said:
    I bought my first house at 23 years old and my son that was his first house at 23 years old. Neither one of us ever rented. Once you rent you are done unless you inherit or have a rich Daddy give you money.
    Huh?

    I rented until my 30s, paid for my house in cash, never received any inheritance, and my daddy didn't give me a penny.

    It's hardly rocket science:  Live below your means and save money.

    Taking nothing away from you or your son -- owning a home at 23 is an impressive accomplishment -- but let's not lose sight of the fact that the road to home ownership has more than one lane.

    Sounds like you also decided not to have children.  Let someone elses kid care for you in your old age.
  • TarponatorTarponator Posts: 19,646 AG
    I plan for the future -- I know, a novel concept -- and I'll take care of myself, thanks.
  • Billy No MatesBilly No Mates Posts: 3,550 Captain
    AC Man said:
    I bought my first house at 23 years old and my son that was his first house at 23 years old. Neither one of us ever rented. Once you rent you are done unless you inherit or have a rich Daddy give you money.
    I rented until I was 34 years old. Bought a my second house in 1997 and paid it off 15 years later. Why are you done if you want to rent for a few years?
  • bottom feederbottom feeder Posts: 1,743 Captain
    edited June 2020 #56
    I rented up until I was thirty and semi sure I wasn't going to have to relocate again soon.

    Leaving Florida... take a developer with you!

  • anglerplusanglerplus Posts: 1,285 Officer
    edited June 2020 #57
    My children were Told that they could live with us as long as they were in school Including college or trade school. Id foot the bill for those as well. If they didnt go to school, they were to keep a job, follow the rules, and save for a down payment on a house. My daughter left at 19, and my son at 19. Neither went to school, just decided to learn things their own way. One is now married, the other with 2 kids in a up and down relationship

    i was kicked out at 16, bought a house at 22, then 3 more. Semi retired at 45

    at this stage, its up to the kid, just hope you brought her up right 
    .  
  • MRichardsonMRichardson Posts: 10,466 AG
    Her perspective on reality sounds skewed as hell.  I'd help her out with that by telling her that enabling this to continue would be "letting her down."

    There is absolutely nothing wrong about expecting her to act like an adult and support herself.
    I have never seen live bones, but I know that they are often used by rich people to decorate the interior.
  • AC ManAC Man Posts: 7,246 Admiral
    edited June 2020 #59
    AC Man said:
    I bought my first house at 23 years old and my son that was his first house at 23 years old. Neither one of us ever rented. Once you rent you are done unless you inherit or have a rich Daddy give you money.
    I rented until I was 34 years old. Bought a my second house in 1997 and paid it off 15 years later. Why are you done if you want to rent for a few years?
    Because you can live at home for free and save enough money to buy a house if you move out and rent you can't save any money. Maybe years later if you got a fat job you can. But I doubt it's happening at 23 years old going from home so your own house with a 50% down payment.
  • Billy No MatesBilly No Mates Posts: 3,550 Captain
    I saved plenty of money while renting. But I also lived within my means and didn't spend money I didn't have. It just takes common sense.
  • Gary SGary S Posts: 3,232 Captain
    You move to a new town it makes sense to rent until you are sure you are where you want to be.
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